Another installment in our “Believe it or not” series

After years of searching, I have finally discovered the most annoying gift ever!!!  

I have tested it on my wife, and the results are in – she says that our 35th year of marriage may be our last. So, I consider the test “a success,” and I believe with just a few years of marriage counseling, it is possible to repair the relationship.  

Most Annoying Gift Ever

My wife’s gift is an Electronic Resolution Tracker, which I installed on her cell phone without her permission.  This app constantly reminds my wife of everything she promised to do, or that I want her to do, but aren’t done.   

While the woman in the picture below is not my wife, I can assure you my wife’s reaction was much worse.  

Women in a gold turtleneck holding an open gift box with a look of sheer disgust on her face.

With the tact of a sledgehammer, the app lets my wife know of her inadequacies (real and imaginary) by keeping track of unfulfilled goals and aspirations. 

Surprisingly, many of these apps can be purchased for less than $10 on cell phone application stores (Apple and Google). 

Below are two screenshots of app advertisements on the Google App Store and the Apple Store.  For some reason, my wife thinks that soon I will be the man getting blasted into outer space.  

A cartoon man riding on the top of a rocket with the words Goal Meter written on the side.
Screen shot of a phone calendar showing how to keep yourself accountable, how to track your daily progress, how to set goals, and how to set alerts and reminders.

As illustrated above, the best apps play a sound every time a resolution isn’t fulfilled and can even be programmed to repeat reminders of inadequacies, failures, and incomplete tasks several times a day.  

My Wife Is Not Overweight

For example, even though my wife is not overweight, I still programmed the app to track her weight and at least once a day suggest that she should immediately drop 10 pounds. I thought a weight-tracking reminder (complete with sounds and pictures around dinner time) would annoy her, and I was correct.  Below is a picture of a woman being reminded to eat less just before ordering a meal.  Notice the look on her face and how the man is able to look away as if he has no idea of what is taking place next to him.  

Man and wife sitting at an outside table while the wife wearing a red shirt plays on her phone and her husband in a blue shirt sits with his face on his fist with a disgusted look on his face.

Once, about 20 years ago, my wife resolved to go to the gym and exercise more.  But, she didn’t (she hates all gyms).  Well…the Electronic Resolution Tracker was the answer to my problem.  With this simple and cheap app, I have the technology to drive her crazy and then credibly deny all culpability.  Again, the woman in the below picture is not my wife but is reflective of how much she hates the gym.  

A women in the gym who just completed her workout scream out.

Resolution Tracker

I was even able to add new daily tasks and requirements to my wife’s daily routine (such as “bring Mark a cold beer when he looks thirsty” or “check to see if Mark wants a snack at night”).  Since I have remote access to the app, I have learned to add and change annoying reminders daily and more frequently if needed.  

What I haven’t “learned” how to do is delete either the app or individual reminders, and apparently, neither has my wife.  

One day, I showed my three adult children the app (two boys and one girl), and they immediately purchased it for their spouses.  It seems that even the next generation of young married couples like to torture their loved ones as much as my generation of old geezers.  The below picture is not one of my kids but illustrates the sheer joy that they experienced when they were able to sneak the app onto their spouse’s cell phones.

Two millennials, both holding a cell phone. while wearing plaid shirts, each with a look of I did it on their faces.

So, there you have it.  Just go to the appropriate app store, type in Resolution Tracker, and get ready to pay thousands in marriage counseling fees.  

You may ask, what does this have to do with funeral services and cremation?  

The answer is simple…nothing. 

I simply hope I bring a smile to your face and help you live a joyful life.    

Warning – these apps could permanently damage the emotional well-being of small children or anyone with a shred of pride.